on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
