Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
