She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Randomize
