He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
