when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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