i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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