it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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