Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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