benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
