I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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