Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
