i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
