meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
