If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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