Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
