Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
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