That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
