soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
