Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Randomize
