Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
