Betty ford says i'm here all night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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