I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
