I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
