What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
