When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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