he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
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