you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
