last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
