i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
