then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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