the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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