she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
