What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
