3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
