Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize