I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
