I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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