i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
