You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
