First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
This beer is not sobering me up at all
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
