Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize