Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
A bitchslap is in order.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize