so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
i love accidental penises.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
