I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize