She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
