K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Randomize
