I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
