I'm drive I can fine osifer
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
