I wish my penis had an off switch
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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