I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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