You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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