On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Never underestimate the power of titties
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize