i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
