I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
