Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
