I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
