The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
