I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He shit in the fireplace
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