don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
